The 80% Solution Revisited
During the past week two friends mentioned to me on separate occasions that one of their favorite chapters in my original People Tools book (still selling well on Amazon) is “The 80% Solution.”
The gist of that chapter is this: if someone in your life, or in your job or your home, meets at least 80% of your needs, then don’t look any further. You don’t need to spend your precious time looking for someone who might be a little bit better.
This particular People Tool has served me well. In most circumstances I’m very happy at or above 80%. But, upon reflection, I have one additional idea because, even at 80%, I haven’t been completely happy.
I always want my life to be better today than it was yesterday. This means I’m always looking for ways to improve myself – and, unfortunately, others. That becomes a problem when someone – say my wife – is only at 92% and I’m trying to “help” her improve to 100%. (My version of 100%.) But is it reasonable for me to expect her to become my sugarplum-fairy vision, meeting every one of my needs all of the time? Of course not. But until recently my repeated failure hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Today I believe that expecting a perfect performance from my spouse, or children, or anyone else (including myself) is a mistake, taking me down the well-populated road of conflict and dissatisfaction.
Have you ever tried to “help” your spouse, or anyone else you are close to, get better at pleasing you? Perhaps you’ve had a running argument for years about the same issue. And golly, they just haven’t gotten the message yet. Maybe they will next time. Right? Or maybe you’re just sounding like an old, broken record.
Forget a perfect “next time.” That’s just your illusion. In fact, forget whatever the issue is altogether.
If the issue is non-negotiable and you’ve been to therapy and you still aren’t satisfied after years of trying, the simple solution is to use your feet and leave. If the issue isn’t all that important (and most aren’t), then change your expectation. I can live with being a few minutes late for dinner with friends. After all, my wife seems okay with me not becoming vegan. Now we both can relax and enjoy our mutual 80+% without the friction of failing by pushing for more.
If you’re feeling braver than I am, simply ask your family, friends, or significant other exactly what score they would give you.
Or you can take my hint — It is extremely unlikely that they will award you a 100%, if only because they’re tired of your nagging. As someone once said, “To err is human. Not to forgive is even more human.”
I will not wish you luck on this one. I do, however, wish you greater skill.
Alan