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A Few Things I’ve Learned

Solitude-PeopleTools-March2016I began writing People Tools many years ago so I could share with others the behavioral insights that have helped me to achieve my goals and to live my dreams. Three books and hundreds of blog posts later, I still ask myself a question you too may occasionally ask yourself.

“How do I know which is the best tool to use in a given situation?”

The simple answer is, I don’t always know. I still have to experiment.

It has been my hope that you and every one of my readers will use people tools to live happier and more fulfilling lives; to see doors where you once saw only walls, or experience the comfort of structure where you previously may have felt vulnerable and exposed. I hope that you have benefited from my experiences – both my successes and my own mistakes.

So what have I learned over the past few years since I began writing the books and my blog?

  1. Writing books and maintaining a weekly blog is a lot of work. It’s very rewarding, but it isn’t always fun.
  2. People tools pervade my life. They help me navigate through my business and personal life with honesty and self-awareness.
  3. Human possibilities are virtually limitless. I am constantly amazed and delighted by the insight, ingenuity and resourcefulness of the people around me.
  4. Sometimes the opposite can be more effective than the customary and it takes courage, sometimes great courage, to be different. I have found that being courageous is worth it.
  5. I don’t know all the answers. I don’t even know some of the most important questions. But I continue to be willing to learn –and to be taught.

Three hermits lived together in a cave. One day a palomino horse ran by. Two years later the first hermit said, “Sure was share-Your-Story-PeopleToolsa pretty white horse.” Three years after that the second hermit said, “Twasn’t white. ‘Twas golden.” Five years passed before the third hermit chimed in.  “If you two are going to talk so much, I’m leaving.”

Though it might feel at times as if you’re isolated in your life (and isolation may indeed be an inseparable part of the human condition), rest assured that we’re all in this together. I invite you to share your experiences with me and with each other. Talk to your friends. Get in touch and let me know what has and hasn’t worked for you in your life and what helpful tools you’ve discovered along the way.

The Road we travel together in our lifetimes is fraught with unforeseen difficulties and obstacles, and at the same time filled with promise and protection. And it helps when we stay close to ourselves and each other, and openly share our stories.

Alan

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When Honesty and Kindness Collide

honesty-kindness-peopletools“Honey, do you like this dress?”

Danger!  Danger!  Rocky passage ahead!

For many reasons one of my strongest values is honesty, both in myself and others.

For many of the same reasons another of my strongest values is kindness, also in myself and others.

But what happens when these two ideals collide?

Any one of the following reactions to the question above might be entirely honest.  I wouldn’t hesitate to immediately use either one of the first two.  As for the rest, what do you think?

“That dress is gorgeous.  An absolute ten.  You’re the belle of my ball.”

“Very nice. Blue is definitely your color.”

“Hasn’t that dress been hanging in your closet for three or four years?  It might be past its prime.”

“If I were you I’d take it off.  Please.”

“It might be nice if it still fit you.”

“Ugly.  I’ve always thought you found that dress on sale at a thrift shop.”

My temptation, and I hope yours, would be to respond with kind, rather than brutal, honesty.  Often the tricky question is how to mix the two.

A simple solution is always best, and two principles come into play.  First, lead with a positive statement.  Second, soften any (honest) negative.

“Darling, I’m glad you asked.  I like the style, but that shade of cobalt isn’t my favorite.”

“Honey, you look beautiful in any dress.  But I think the red outfit suits you a little bit better.”

Or just be vulnerable.  Admit your predicament.True-kind-buddha-peopletools

“Fashion isn’t my expertise, and I don’t want to offend you in any way.  I’m an accountant. Ask me ‘What’s two plus two.’”

“As you know, I’m sometimes not very diplomatic, but I’m happy to be seen with you no matter what.”

In our society we value honesty and directness.  I suggest, however, that when you cannot locate the channel between honesty and kindness you come down on the side of nurturing your relationship.  You might recognize that the actual question behind the words, “Honey, do you like this dress,” is really, “Honey, I’m a little insecure right now.  Do you love me?”  And the clear, kind, and authentic reply to the underlying question is simply this:

“Darling, I don’t have a helpful opinion about the dress, but I want you to know that, to me you’re beautiful, I’m happy to go anywhere with you, and I’m even happier to come home with you every night.  I love you.”

Alan

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A Little Bit of Oil

laughter-bitofoil-peopletoolsAs a boy I spent countless nights with my flashlight, reading science fiction in bed under my covers. I was fourteen when I read a short story that has always stayed with me.

“A Little Bit of Oil.” took place on a spaceship conducting the third ten-year expedition to the nearest star. The first two voyages had failed as the four-person crew neared Earth. Each time the spacecraft had mysteriously disappeared and was never heard from again.

This third attempt was different. One crew member was an enigma. Though he prepared meals and entertained the pilot, copilot, and science officer throughout the trip, it was clear he had no experience either as a scientist or pilot. The other crew members saw him as a misfit, especially when he dressed in a clown costume to make them laugh.

On this third trip, as the spaceship reentered the solar system, the human friction that had been building for almost ten years, heated to homicidal proportions.

It became clear that the crewmembers on the first two expeditions, had simply killed each other after ten years of close confinement. But on this trip, the misfit (who turned out to be a psychologist) successfully reduced the friction with humor and encouragement.

A few weeks after I read that story my family took a two-week road trip. It was a long trip for my mother, father, younger brother, and me. I loved vacations, but even an occasional Sunday drive back from a friend’s house sometimes ended with my father yelling at David or me for some transgression. I was sure that on our journey it wouldn’t take more than a few days for our family friction to heat us to the boiling point.

But this time, as we loaded our suitcases into the trunk of our turquoise Desoto, I kindessAndLaughter-peopletoolsdecided that I would be our psychologist, our clown, the “little bit of oil” to ease the friction.

Our trip was a notable success, even when, one afternoon, my father locked the Desoto, leaving his keys in the ignition. I helped him fish them out with a wire coat hangar, alternately encouraging him and trying to be funny.

With proper lubrication a car engine will last for many miles. With proper lubrication from humor, a human relationship will also run smoothly for many years.

I suggest that we all lighten up a little. Don’t take everything so seriously. Remember to laugh and have fun. Not only will it improve your relationships, you’ll enjoy the journey more.

Alan

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