The Use of Grief
I recently read a beautiful note written by my friend Trudy. When I receive something I appreciate from a friend, they can only know my delight when I tell them. So I immediately emailed Trudy to tell her I was touched. She then shared a memory I found quite helpful.
“Alan, I’ve always listened to your advice and appreciate your perspective…
This is a page I scanned for you…”
It was from a 2015 edition of Rattle in which I interviewed the poet Jan Heller Levi.
Trudy wrote, “…loving what you said at the end [of the interview] & wondering if it has to do with how well you’re doing during a difficult time.”
As many of you know I recently experienced a personal loss.
The part of the interview Trudy so thoughtfully shared was a timely reminder of the important role that grief serves in our lives.
Here is the excerpt:
“FOX: One of your poems you’re writing about Lao Tzu:
what do we see
what can we see without seeing
what have we been given
‘ what has been taken away
what are the questions underneath our questions
how do we make our griefs our tools.”
How do we make our griefs our tools?
LEVI: Well, I guess we have to. The conventional way of thinking about our griefs is that they hold us back, that they’re a weight that we carry that holds us back from doing our work in the world—but there is no life without grief. And it’s an animating force. It’s what we need to use, because we need to use all of ourselves. That’s a big part of ourselves.”
So how am I connecting through my grief? This morning my dad, his caregiver, my daughter, her husband and I enjoyed a Sunday brunch together at The Smoke House in Toluca Lake. Their Sunday brunch has been a family favorite for years, but I enjoyed myself today more than I ever have before.
Why?
Because we all shared a rewarding conversation. We were all open and vulnerable. Everyone participated and we learned more about each other than we had before.
Why?
Because, being suddenly single, I was willing to begin by taking a risk. I ignored my potential embarrassment and shared that I had joined a dating service. I was relieved when my daughter and her husband, both in their early thirties, said that everyone does that nowadays.
We had a wonderful time getting to know each other better, and it was fun. My dad asked my daughter and her husband about their experiences in separate graduate school programs. He shared memories of his own childhood which I had never heard before.
When I disclose my important feelings, when I ask a question and really listen to the answer, when I spend meaningful time with friends and family, I satisfy an emotional hunger that food can never fill. In fact, our conversation was so nourishing I finished only one plate of food from the buffet. That was a first!
In a few months we have our next Smoke House Sunday Brunch on the calendar – to celebrate my dad’s 104th birthday. I look forward to another conversation, as meaningful as it was today.
Alan