Is It Truthful, Kind, and Necessary?

It doesn’t matter how well a relationship begins — to keep it healthy both partners need to pay close attention to their communication along the way.  It’s like driving a car.  You need to make necessary adjustments as you go.

I recently met a therapist who gave me a great tip on how to keep a relationship successful.

She suggested that when you communicate with a loved one you should always ask yourself three questions.

1. Is what I’m about to say true?
2. Is it kind?
3. Is it necessary?

I thought about that for a few days.  Then I memorized her list.

Truth, of course, should be automatic.  If you or your partner regularly lie to each other, your relationship will have serious problems.  Life is too short. Each of you deserves to know the truth.

Kindness is the foundation of every nourishing relationship.  If you aren’t kind to each other, why are you together?

And if you are about to say something that might hurt your partner’s feelings, it should be absolutely necessary, even if it is both truthful and kind.

Years ago at the end of a dinner at the home of my parents’ best friends, Marion and Irving, my father demonstrated all three standards.

My father loved cheesecake.  After we finished the main course Marion said to Dad, “Fred, in your honor I have baked your favorite desert — my special cheesecake.”

She cut the first slice and handed it to him.

“What do you think?”

Dad slowly tasted the cheesecake.  He seemed to savor it.  But a strange look spread across his face.

“I like it,” he said, “but it’s personal.”

The rest of us tried a slice.  All of us liked cheesecake.  But I immediately spit it out.

“It tastes like garlic,” I said.

Our hostess was shocked.  Then she sampled the cheesecake herself.  And she spit it out.

“Fred, it does taste like garlic.  I’m so sorry.”

“Yup,” he said.  “But I like garlic.  That’s why I said it’s personal.”

None of us, except my dad, ate the cheesecake.  But we all enjoyed a good laugh about it for many years.

“I guess I accidentally put in garlic powder instead of powdered sugar.”

Marion’s face was red.

“It’s okay,” my dad said.  “This time your cheesecake is really special.”

As I said, my dad was truthful.

He was kind.  He didn’t say, “This cheesecake is awful.”

And Dad’s answer was also necessary.  Marion had asked the question, and soon the rest of us were going to discover the answer for ourselves anyway.

You might pass this idea on to those you love.  Not about garlic cheesecake, but to be sure that what you say to those you love is truthful, kind, and necessary.

And if you can make it funny as well, so much the better.

Alan