People Tools

Improve Your Relationship- Catch Them Being Better

by Alan C. Fox on October 6, 2015 0 Comments

Imagine you have wanted your partner or spouse to change their behavior for a long time. And one fine day, as if by magic, they do. For example, they finally take out the trash without being reminded.

How should you respond?

Last Friday I appeared on the “The Social,” a popular national television show in Canada. I wrote a chapter “Catch Them Being Better” in my book People Tools for Love and Relationships. On “The Social” I mentioned, as I had in my book, that to encourage repeat behavior you should thank your partner and praise him or her because everyone responds to approval.

What ensued was a fun and lively discussion. And one of the panel members questioned me.

“Alan, it feels so much better for me to say to my husband, ‘It’s about time you took out the trash!’”

I agree. It does feel better to express your accumulated frustration and say, “It’s about time. Why didn’t you take out the trash without my having to remind you for years? You know how much it means to me. You’ve been ignoring me for a long time.”

Yes, it certainly feels better, in the moment, to release your pent up irritation and criticize your partner for not complying sooner. But I ask you this: Do you want to feel better right now by airing your resentment, or do you want your partner to continue taking out the trash? That’s the choice you face – do you want to indulge yourself now, or have a better relationship tomorrow?

When you criticize or complain about your partner’s behavior he or she is likely to say, if only to himself or herself, “I finally took out the trash and now I’m getting slammed. Well, I’m never going to take out the trash again.”

So, which is more important to you – expressing your displeasure, and discouraging the behavior you have longed for, or expressing your appreciation and encouraging a repeat performance? I’ll take the “appreciation” option because I want my relationship to be better in the future. I like to get what I want, and my saying, “That’s great. I appreciate it. Thank you.” will go much further than giving in to a natural, but thoughtless, instinct to respond, “It’s about time!”

My suggestion does take a bit of self-control, sacrificing temporary satisfaction for long term reward. But delaying your gratification is helpful in so many aspects of your life – saving money rather than spending it right away will lead to a more fruitful financial life, and eating properly might significantly improve your health. So delayed gratification is an excellent life skill to both learn and practice.

We have all established many habits during our lifetimes. Today is a good day to begin questioning a few of your long-held assumptions, defer a little gratification, and pay more attention to a new technique that will improve all of your relationships, and your life.

I want to give a special thank you to the lovely ladies of “The Social” for inviting me to be a guest on their show and for giving me a chance to share my thoughts with them and their audience.

Alan

Since You Can Never Tell, Always Tell

by Alan C. Fox on September 29, 2015 8 Comments

None of us knows what will happen tomorrow.

One Monday morning my brother David didn’t show up for work. He was only sixty years old, and yet the unthinkable had happened. We have missed him for more than twelve years now.

Yesterday we received a call that Danny, our beloved cousin, had been admitted to City of Hope with a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. His daughter was flying in from England, and his son driving down to Los Angeles from Fresno.

Bad stuff happens. We all know that. But too often we forget that every one of us can create good stuff. A lot of good stuff. Every day.

What’s the good stuff? Four days before he failed to arrive for work, my brother wrote a three-page birthday letter to his adult son Kevin. In his letter David told Kevin how proud he was of him, and how important Kevin was in his life. Kevin read the letter to us at David’s memorial service. It was the most meaningful and lasting gift his father could have given to him.

Are you “up to date” with everyone you care about in your life? Are there any “I love you’s” left unsaid that you still intend to deliver to your mother, your father, or anyone else who is special to you? Will you tell them the next time you see them? Why not call or text them right now?

And you have the power to do so much more. Why wait to convey “thank you,” “I appreciate you,” “you’re my hero,” or any other positive message you feel in your heart to anyone and everyone you meet?

Although we can never tell about tomorrow, or even ten minutes from now, I like to bring light and joy into the lives of those I care about every time I see them.

You can make a difference in someone else’s life. Right now.

Alan

Clapping for Customers

by Alan C. Fox on September 22, 2015 4 Comments

For more than ten years the Italian restaurant next door to my office has been my “go to” place for a quick lunch with friends and clients. No drive, no parking, good food, and the added benefit of supporting a neighbor. But a few months ago, sadly, Mezzo Mondo closed its doors and vanished.

As I left my office yesterday evening I noticed a new Japanese restaurant had taken its place. The lights were bright, liveried valet on duty, a smiling hostess at the front door, three waiters hovering, and four white-hatted sushi chefs standing tall behind the back counter. As my wife and I walked in the front door the entire staff applauded our entrance. I don’t think this was because of our celebrity or good looks.

We all like to know the opinions of other customers, especially for a restaurant we’ve never tried. That’s what Yelp is all about – user opinions. Personally, I always hesitate before sitting down in a restaurant with no other diners. What does everyone else know that I might have to discover for myself? But I gave this restaurant the benefit of the doubt because I knew this was their opening day.

Our dinner was fine. As you can imagine, the service was quick. I ordered a little more than I usually would because I somehow felt responsible for their lack of other customers. My excitement to have a new restaurant open in a convenient location was tempered by my concern about food spoiling, staff quitting, and the restaurant soon closing if their business didn’t pick up.

It’s fine to write a better book or, as they say, build a better mouse trap (or restaurant), but a great product is not enough. You also have to get the word out. You have to market and advertise. It seems to me that business, like life itself, resembles a decathlon, in which to be successful, you have to be at least adequate in every event.

But just as no one is ever going to hold the world record in both the shot put and the hundred meter dash, none of us can be great at everything. I know many people who are outstanding at their work, but can’t quite translate their ability and effort into real money. I know others who are wonderful friends, but who haven’t yet found the love relationship they aspire to and deserve.

Your life starts, and ends, with you, and life is what happens while you’re making plans. To help my life along I’m resolving again, even though it’s not yet New Year’s Day, to fully enjoy whatever I do, be friendly to everyone, and support friends and family in their ventures.

And if you’re in the mood for an excellent Japanese lunch or dinner, just stand in front of my office building and turn left. You might even receive applause when you walk through the front door.

Alan

Improve Your Relationship- Catch Them Being Better

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Since You Can Never Tell, Always Tell

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Clapping for Customers

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Improve Your Relationship- Catch Them Being Better

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Since You Can Never Tell, Always Tell

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Clapping for Customers

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