Cheating and Connection

We all know that cheating in a marriage means secretly having a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse. This deception often causes the disruption or dissolution of the relationship.

But there is another, equally hazardous way to cheat, and that is to withhold or misrepresent how you really feel to your significant other.

By not fully revealing yourself you are cheating yourself and others of both trust and connection. Withholding your feelings will not only damage your intimate relationships but your relationships with anyone else as well.

Every feeling you have is just that – your feeling.  It’s not good or bad.  It’s just your feeling.

“I’m so angry I feel like . . . “

“I know I promised, but I’m awfully tired right now.”

“I love you.”

When my dad asked me if I had thrown my baseball through the garage door window, I should have said, “Yes, and I’m scared you’ll punish me.”  What I actually said was, “No I didn’t.”  You can imagine how that worked out.

We each have a set of conscious and unconscious rules we live by.  In our culture, men have been conditioned not to be scared, so we usually misrepresent fear as either sadness or anger.  We are supposed to be “hard,” so we fail to make soft statements such as “I love you” as often as we feel them. This is damaging not only to the person who is afraid to reveal his true feelings, but to those around him.

Not revealing yourself can take a toll in other ways. In my first People Tools book I shared an illustrative story about my parents’ visit to a small town in Texas.  As they arrived, my father asked my mother if she would like to go to the local museum with him.

Mom was tired from the drive, but she was the one who liked museums, while Dad seldom joined her.  So despite being tired she said, “Yes.”

Later, Dad admitted that he just wanted to offer her something he thought she would like.  Mom revealed that she had been too tired to enjoy the museum and only went because she thought it had held a special interest for him.  By keeping their feelings hidden they both did something they didn’t enjoy.

Here’s a suggestion for how to live a more connected life. Pretend you only have until midnight tonight.  Tell everyone you come into contact with today something that you would like them to know about you, maybe reveal your true feelings in a short poem.

Let’s not cheat each other of a more complete connection.

Thanks.

Alan