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I have many rules for myself.  One is that I don’t initiate conversations with a stranger in either an airplane or an elevator.

I made this rule when I was young because I was afraid to talk to strangers.  I never knew what to say and “Nice weather” seemed too obvious and too generic.  Small talk didn’t work for me.  It still doesn’t.

But always I like to reconsider my old rules, just in case they may not work for me today, and I suggest you do the same.  If you are aware that you have been operating under a rule from long ago, think about whether it still serves you. Maybe you are stuck in an old behavior pattern simply because you have “always” done it that way. Change can equal freedom.

Last week I parked my car in a multi-level garage in Century City. I found a space on the second level, and decided to ride the elevator to the ground floor.

The elevator opened and a young man wearing spectacles began to walk out.  Suddenly he looked confused.

“This is the second floor, not the first,” I said. He nodded and reentered the elevator.

“You know,” I said, “whenever I get into an elevator I want it to go to the floor I want without stopping for anyone else.  But that seldom happens.”  We both laughed.

He said, “I feel the same way.”

We enjoyed our short ride.  He indicated that I should exit before him, which I did.

“Have a nice afternoon,” he said.

“You too.”

I kept a smile on my face for the rest of the day. I had chosen to follow a new rule – share something about myself with a stranger.  We both enjoyed our friendly exchange.

Your personal rules are supposed to help you navigate through life.  But if you’re like me (especially if you’re more than twenty years old), your life might very well be improved by rethinking your routines. Discard old habits that no longer serve you.

Like me, you might start talking to a stranger in an elevator.  Or even in an airplane.  Or you might stop talking to strangers.  It all depends on who you are today.

One morning, when my oldest son was six years old, I discovered him frying an egg. He was kneeling on the counter top next to the gas range because he couldn’t reach the stove from the floor.

Today my son is an MD, almost six feet tall, and more than fifty years old.  When he fries an egg he does it just like I do – standing on the kitchen floor. He has long since outgrown his original way of cooking eggs.

Alan

I posted my first blog, “Experiencing Joy,” on July 23, 2013.  In two weeks we will celebrate the fifth anniversary of that earth-shattering occasion. I have posted a blog every Tuesday morning for the past five years.  That’s more than 250 individual personal essays averaging five hundred words each, or more than 125,000 words total – enough to fill a four hundred page book.

If a journey of ten thousand miles begins with a single step, then writing a four hundred page book begins with a single word.  The journey of your life initially began when you were born, but a new journey begins every single moment throughout your lifetime.

My very first blog concluded, “…when you experience joy in your life, what else do you really need?  Let’s turn on the joy.”

I still like that idea, and hope that you have done exactly that.  But the devil is in the details. Since it’s not possible for any of us to relive any past moment in our lives, the very best we can do is to pay strict attention to “right now.”  We have to renew our joy daily.  It doesn’t just happen.

Living your life is like reading a news story.  You can’t control the story.  You can, however, to a much greater degree than you may think, control your reaction to the story.

To consistently feel joy we have to intentionally work at finding the silver lining.

Many years ago my friend John called to tell me he had been fired from his job. He was distraught. Losing a job can be upsetting at best and devastating for an entire family at worst.

John and I met at our favorite restaurant for dinner. When I walked in he was staring into space.

“Congratulations” I said.

“What do you mean, ‘congratulations’?  I just lost my job.”

“John, you have complained about that job for ten years, and now you have the opportunity to spend your time doing something you’ll enjoy a lot more.  You’ve been handed your freedom.”

I will not minimize John’s experience.  Stuff happens.  Serious stuff happens.  Sometimes it happens more than once in a single day, and it’s perfectly normal to feel scared, angry, or hopeless.  It’s perfectly normal, but not required.

Within a few months John found a number of silver linings.  He began to work with animals – something he has always loved. One project involved bringing dogs into prisons to cheer up both the stray dogs and the incarcerated men.  He also spent more quality time with his wife, cooking and taking walks in the beautiful hills near their home. Six months later he admitted to me that he was much happier.  And so was his wife.

If you look closely there are silver linings everywhere.  I still remember the first movie I ever saw, a 1946 Disney film that featured the song “Everybody’s Got a Laughing Place.”  I still recall a portion of the joyful lyrics from seventy years ago:

Everybody’s got a laughing place,

A laughing place to go “ho ho.”

Take that frown, turn it upside down,

And you’ll find yours I know ho ho.

I know you can find your own silver linings, and I’ll stand by my statement from my first blog, “…when you experience joy in your life, what else do you really need?  Let’s turn on the joy.”

And let’s do it right now.

Alan

I once gave a speech in my Junior High School Social Studies class.  The entire class found my talk hilarious.  They laughed from beginning to end.  The reason was that my fly had been unzipped throughout my presentation. I learned this later from my best friend who hadn’t said anything before I stood up in front of the class.

We are often reluctant to risk offending other people because we want them to like us. But are we doing them a favor? We can all think of times where we wished someone had said something to us so we could have taken a corrective action sooner.

Have you ever had a smudge on your face that no one told you about until late in the day? What about food in your teeth when you were busy grinning at everyone you met?

I prefer that you be authentic with me, and mention when you notice something about me you think I would be better served by knowing.  You can still be polite.  “Uh, you have toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe?” is a lot better than laughing at me as I walk out of the restaurant.

We each have one life to live.  Let’s help each other out, in a kind and respectful way, by letting each other know what is really going on inside our minds and hearts.  That’s the only way I know of in which we can truly connect on a deep and loving basis.

I often share my writing with friends and other writers and I trust them to tell me what they really think. I trust them to show me where I might have missed an opportunity to go deeper or where I might have written something that falls flat. I don’t expect them to politely pay me a compliment when they think my writing isn’t as good as it might otherwise be. That is why I share it with them.

I still sometimes forget to zip my pants, and I’m glad that a few people in my office will tell me.

I encourage you to ask your friends to tell you whenever you have a something green stuck between your teeth.  And, heaven forbid, please tell me if I ever have bad breath.

We’re all in this together.

Alan