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This morning I received a letter from an enthusiastic reader of my first book, People Tools, published in 2014.  I wrote that book, and the two that followed, to share my thoughts on how you can improve your relationships.

The letter said, in part:

“After reading the strategy ‘Socrates-Know Thyself’, Jen realized that although she had been feeling that she should accept the offer she received to go to college at Berkeley, she felt in her heart that she was meant to go to UCLA and ultimately made the decision to accept their offer instead.  She wrote to [my daughter] Erika in October saying that it was the best decision she ever made and thanked her for giving her family the book that helped change her life.

“Erika also gave a copy of People Tools to her boss, Debi, who owns and runs an upscale beauty salon. . . Debi read the book and loved it so much, particularly the ‘Catch Them Being Good’ strategy which she says she uses daily at work with her stylists and at home with her husband (who is undergoing treatment for a brain tumor) and young kids and is seeing fantastic results, that she decided to put the book in the back room of her salon for employees to read during their breaks.  Erica says that Debi’s copy of ‘People Tools” is now very dog-eared and a bit tattered because the employees have been reading it so much, they have had great discussions on the various tools, and have all benefitted from the resulting exchange of deep concepts and ideas.”

I am not sharing this letter with you so you can read a compliment from a fan of People Tools.  I am sharing it because, upon reflection, I realize that the best I can do for you, and for myself, is to share.  I cannot force anyone to buy my book, or to read it, or to find anything useful in it. As the joke says, “The light bulb has to want to change.”

No two of us have identical style, habits, or values.  We may be neat or messy.  Some of us live to eat, others eat to live.  Our highest value in life may be to accumulate wealth.  It may be to raise happy children, or to immerse ourselves in sports, or simply to be heard or to be loved.

Today my highest value, other than being healthy (if that doesn’t involve TOO much exercise), is to share my ideas and myself with others, both through writing and in person.  I want to feel that I am helpful.

In every relationship there are differences.  Your partner, your parents, and your friends, are not clones of you.  When you fail to get everything you want in a relationship, what is your best solution? Can you pester and nag someone into submission?  As one of my daughters says with sarcasm, “Yeah.  That’ll work.”

You can’t change someone else’s eating habits or force them to tear themselves away from their electronic devices.  I’ve been there, done that, with limited success. So what can you (we) do?

This evening I saw a performance of “Beauty and the Beast,” in which the Beast is advised at the end to speak from his heart, which he does.  Ultimately that is the best any of us can do. Tell your friends you love them.  Mentor people who are starting out, not by criticizing their ignorance, but by sharing your own accumulated experience and wisdom.  Put your fear on hold as much as you can, and speak from your heart.

You can do this.  As soon as you are ready.

Alan

“I decide my life when I do not understand.  I understand my life in living those decisions.”  Alan Fox, Age 18

Success and failure in our lives is largely determined by the quality of our predictions, and each of us makes many predictions every single day, especially for the New Year which is approaching.

Most of those predictions are about relatively minor issues with short term implications such as what to eat for lunch or which movie to see.  There’s not too much upside, or downside, either way.

But there are many important predictions we make that will significantly impact the quality of our lives for the long term. For example, whether to stay at or leave your present job, or, if you decide to make a change, which new job to accept.  Other big issues are who (or whether) to marry, how to plan for your retirement (or not), or whether to have children.  In these areas your decisions will have a major impact for many years.

So how can you make good predictions? How can any of us predict the success or failure of our decisions when there is so much that can happen to influence the outcome that is beyond our control?

My suggestion is to pay attention to the information that you can or should know when making important predictions. Consider all of the known possibilities. What consequences are likely to result from your decision? What is a foreseeable outcome? If you choose to ignore a likely result or a known risk you have only yourself to blame for making a poor prediction and, consequently, a decision which turns out badly.

When I was young, despite pleas from my mother, I made a decision to not brush my teeth regularly.  I predicted that I was unlikely to ever experience tooth decay. Also, despite advice from my dentist, I decided not to floss, again a bad prediction. Although I subsequently changed my practices and began to brush regularly and also to use a water pik, the consequences of my earlier predictions had already taken effect. I recently needed to have three teeth removed because of bone decay. Actions, or inactions, have consequences.

If you ignore available information you will more likely make a bad prediction. If you know that the man you are dating cheated on his last three partners then should you make a prediction that he will remain loyal to you? If you are quitting your job to take new employment with a company that has an extremely high turnover rate should you expect a secure future at that company? If you are investing with a money manager who has never delivered good returns should you trust him with your retirement?

I also suggest that you pay attention to patterns. I used to bet on sporting events.  Years ago I was in Las Vegas during the Super Bowl and I placed a substantial bet on my favorite team.  I was extremely happy until the fourth quarter, when the opposing team rallied from behind to win.  I then realized that my entire record of betting on sporting events was dismal.  I still believe that I can correctly predict the outcome of every game, but my experience has been the opposite.  For this reason I haven’t bet on a sporting event for years.

Your past is often your best guide to your future.  If you have an area in your life where your predictions are seldom or never accurate, seek the advice of someone you trust. I know a young woman who now asks her friends to vet a prospective partner before she gets serious because she has a track record of making choices which she later regrets.

If you gather available information and pay attention to your own patterns you will be more successful at making good predictions, and that is one of the secrets to living a better life.

Alan