This morning I received a letter from an enthusiastic reader of my first book, People Tools, published in 2014. I wrote that book, and the two that followed, to share my thoughts on how you can improve your relationships.
The letter said, in part:
“After reading the strategy ‘Socrates-Know Thyself’, Jen realized that although she had been feeling that she should accept the offer she received to go to college at Berkeley, she felt in her heart that she was meant to go to UCLA and ultimately made the decision to accept their offer instead. She wrote to [my daughter] Erika in October saying that it was the best decision she ever made and thanked her for giving her family the book that helped change her life.
“Erika also gave a copy of People Tools to her boss, Debi, who owns and runs an upscale beauty salon. . . Debi read the book and loved it so much, particularly the ‘Catch Them Being Good’ strategy which she says she uses daily at work with her stylists and at home with her husband (who is undergoing treatment for a brain tumor) and young kids and is seeing fantastic results, that she decided to put the book in the back room of her salon for employees to read during their breaks. Erica says that Debi’s copy of ‘People Tools” is now very dog-eared and a bit tattered because the employees have been reading it so much, they have had great discussions on the various tools, and have all benefitted from the resulting exchange of deep concepts and ideas.”
I am not sharing this letter with you so you can read a compliment from a fan of People Tools. I am sharing it because, upon reflection, I realize that the best I can do for you, and for myself, is to share. I cannot force anyone to buy my book, or to read it, or to find anything useful in it. As the joke says, “The light bulb has to want to change.”
No two of us have identical style, habits, or values. We may be neat or messy. Some of us live to eat, others eat to live. Our highest value in life may be to accumulate wealth. It may be to raise happy children, or to immerse ourselves in sports, or simply to be heard or to be loved.
Today my highest value, other than being healthy (if that doesn’t involve TOO much exercise), is to share my ideas and myself with others, both through writing and in person. I want to feel that I am helpful.
In every relationship there are differences. Your partner, your parents, and your friends, are not clones of you. When you fail to get everything you want in a relationship, what is your best solution? Can you pester and nag someone into submission? As one of my daughters says with sarcasm, “Yeah. That’ll work.”
You can’t change someone else’s eating habits or force them to tear themselves away from their electronic devices. I’ve been there, done that, with limited success. So what can you (we) do?
This evening I saw a performance of “Beauty and the Beast,” in which the Beast is advised at the end to speak from his heart, which he does. Ultimately that is the best any of us can do. Tell your friends you love them. Mentor people who are starting out, not by criticizing their ignorance, but by sharing your own accumulated experience and wisdom. Put your fear on hold as much as you can, and speak from your heart.
You can do this. As soon as you are ready.
Alan
