Alan Fox

When I was young I wanted to know everyone’s secrets.  Back then I didn’t understand the underlying implications.

As I grew older I recognized that what I really wanted was for people to trust me enough to make me their confidante. And over the years I discovered, by trial and error, the three important People Tools I needed in order to achieve my goal. These are the three D’s: divulge, display, and discretion.

First, divulge.  I needed to share secrets of my own.  Most people don’t like being observed by others through a one-way mirror.  If I want to know how you met your life partner, I might start by telling you how I met my wife.  Divulge.  Obviously, many secrets are far more personal.  But with someone I trust, I’m willing to go first. If I don’t trust you then it’s not relevant, since we will never share a friendship.

Second, display.  I absolutely must display support when you reveal a secret to me.  After all, why did you tell me in the first place?  Most likely it’s so we will connect and feel closer.  When you confess to me that you occasionally devour a half a gallon of ice cream for dinner you want my support, not a lecture.

Third, discretion.  I must keep your secret a secret.  If in ten minutes I disclose your fears on Facebook you’re not going to share anything important with me again.  Years ago I met a woman at a party who later became a close friend. In our first conversation I asked how much money she earned in a year.

“I wouldn’t even tell my mother that,” she said.

“I won’t tell your mother either.”

She told me.

I never told her mother.  Or anyone else.

I originally intended to talk only about secrets in this blog.  But I realize what I’m writing about is trust, which is the cornerstone of every deep relationship.  The most important element in a friendship is to develop a trust that can only flourish when we each feel safe in sharing our deepest hopes, fears, and dreams.  We then receive from each other both support and discretion.

I’ll open myself to you, and hope you will respond in kind.

Alan

We all want our children to do well in their lives. I’m no exception.  When they’re little they think their parents know everything and are infallible.  That’s nice, for as long as it lasts.

Of course, by the time our children have become teenagers they realize that their parents don’t know anything, and they have become infallible.  Sic transit gloria.

Since their ability to listen to us parents has been severely compromised by the time they proudly acquire their driver’s license, I limit myself to taking my one last, and most important, shot at helping them to survive.

“Drive carefully.”

I am well known in my family for my repeated admonishment, “Drive carefully.”

I tell my scary and scared driver’s-licensed children, “If you don’t pay attention for half an hour in class, your grade may suffer.  But if you don’t pay attention for five seconds while driving, you could be dead.  Or paralyzed for life.  Or need another car, which I won’t pay for.”

I think they received my message.  Most of my children have had minor auto accidents, but I’ve had three myself. Fortunately, everyone has walked away and no one has been seriously injured.  Another saying I am known for is, “Things can be repaired or replaced, but people can’t.”

Nowadays I tell myself not only to drive carefully – the statics are that drivers over 65 have more accidents than younger drivers – but also to “walk carefully.” That means that I need to pay attention, and it also means I need to slow down a bit, to minimize the damage if I should trip and fall.

Johnny Appleseed was an American pioneer who brought apple trees to many parts of our young country.  I may have become the “Johnny Appleseed” of hosts, because whenever anyone leaves for home, whether they are related to me or not, I usually say, “Drive carefully.”

I’m delighted to report that, as far as I know, my message has reverberated through time.  I now have four grandchildren of driving age, and their parents are delivering my original message to their own children – “Drive carefully.”

I’m sure there are many other activities, such as slicing tomatoes, which should also be performed carefully, but especially with my children and grandchildren I’d rather stick to a single message, undiluted by embellishments.

All together now: Drive Carefully.

Thanks.

Alan

Today I’m going to suggest an idea that you already know and use, but I’m going to add an important twist.

You already personalize your approach to each person with whom you interact.  You treat them the way you think they would like to be treated. That seems pretty obvious (although you might not be doing it consciously).

We tailor the way we speak, for example, to accommodate the person we are talking to.  Babies don’t often hear many six syllable words.  Recently a friend overheard my conversation with a coworker.  Later she said, “What in the world were you two talking about?  ‘TD’s.’ ‘UD’s,’ ‘NOI’s’ – what was that all about?”

She was understandably baffled.  My coworker and I had been using many real estate abbreviations, well known to us but unknown to her.   I have the same problem whenever a doctor speaks to me using a medical term “Dyspepsia.”  Really?  That sounds like an aversion to soft drinks. Either I need a translator or my doctor should adjust the way he or she communicates with me.

At a weekend wedding years ago my wife and I were instructed, “Do not use any swear words.  The bride’s family is very much against that.”

“For the whole weekend?”

“Yes.  Definitely.”

“How about ‘darn’?

“No.  Stay clear of that.”

We tried, it wasn’t easy, and we weren’t perfect.  Perhaps with more practice we might have successfully adjusted our vocabulary to suit our audience.

The same idea applies to actions.  If your significant other, or your parents, like to begin dinner promptly at 5:30 pm rather than your preferred time of 8:00 pm, either someone is going to have to compromise or everyone is likely to be unhappy. Often we modify our behavior to please others.

My “twist” is this.  Treat yourself as an “other.” By that I mean, try to be just as considerate to yourself as you are to everyone else. Why not personalize your life to suit your own needs and adjust your behavior accordingly.  This might involve changing well-ingrained habits.

For example, I have been a couch potato most of my life.  I would rather make one trip, instead of three, to clean up the kitchen after a meal.  The idea of walking never appealed to me, other than a very short walk to my car. I would internally shout, “Hurrah!” when my personal trainer doesn’t show up, because then I didn’t have to exercise.

Recently, however, I’ve been told by those who know that at my age (79) I have to “use it or lose it,” meaning I need to actively exercise six days a week to live longer and enjoy my life.  To obtain the desired result, I have had to change my thinking.

Last week my wife and I met friends for dinner at a new restaurant, and when we arrived my wife apologized to me for the two-block walk.

“I didn’t realize I could have parked right here with the valet,” she said.

“It’s okay,” I said.  “I appreciate the opportunity to walk a few blocks each way.”

This statement was downright unAlan – not something the previous me would ever have considered.  But the new Alan is taking much better care of himself. The new Alan even enjoyed dinner at a neighbor’s house last night, including walking both ways.

My suggestion? Take good care of yourself too. Be as nice to yourself as you are to others.

Or, possibly, even nicer.

Alan