Yearly Archives

I hope you have a special oasis in your life or, even better, more than one.

I’m not talking about “a fertile or green area in a desert or wasteland, made so by the presence of water.”   What I’m talking about is “a situation or place free from any surrounding unpleasantness. A refuge.”

What is your oasis, your refuge?

One woman told me, “I like to wash the dishes and do the laundry because that’s one area of my life where I’m in control.”  That statement surprised me, probably because I would rather shop for groceries than wash the dishes, and I don’t even know how to do the laundry.  But it does highlight the fact that every refuge is uniquely personal.

Perhaps surprisingly, I find that sitting at my desk in my office is a reliable oasis – especially in the evening or on the weekend when no one else is there.  I love to write, read the news, or watch sporting events on TV.

Another important refuge for me is my bedroom in the evening where I can spend time with my wife or read a book in peace.  I also enjoy seeing a well-written and well-acted movie or play.

Visiting with friends and family, especially during the holidays, is something else I really enjoy.

I invite you to think about what your personal oasis looks like. Is there a special time and place? Who is the person or people you need to be with to create your oasis?

Do you highly value “alone” time?  A particular part of your workday?  Mentoring others?  Visiting your grandchildren?

You don’t have to ride a camel over the sand dunes to reach your personal oasis.  You just have to know what and who you like, and make it happen.

Alan

When I was young I wanted to know everyone’s secrets.  Back then I didn’t understand the underlying implications.

As I grew older I recognized that what I really wanted was for people to trust me enough to make me their confidante. And over the years I discovered, by trial and error, the three important People Tools I needed in order to achieve my goal. These are the three D’s: divulge, display, and discretion.

First, divulge.  I needed to share secrets of my own.  Most people don’t like being observed by others through a one-way mirror.  If I want to know how you met your life partner, I might start by telling you how I met my wife.  Divulge.  Obviously, many secrets are far more personal.  But with someone I trust, I’m willing to go first. If I don’t trust you then it’s not relevant, since we will never share a friendship.

Second, display.  I absolutely must display support when you reveal a secret to me.  After all, why did you tell me in the first place?  Most likely it’s so we will connect and feel closer.  When you confess to me that you occasionally devour a half a gallon of ice cream for dinner you want my support, not a lecture.

Third, discretion.  I must keep your secret a secret.  If in ten minutes I disclose your fears on Facebook you’re not going to share anything important with me again.  Years ago I met a woman at a party who later became a close friend. In our first conversation I asked how much money she earned in a year.

“I wouldn’t even tell my mother that,” she said.

“I won’t tell your mother either.”

She told me.

I never told her mother.  Or anyone else.

I originally intended to talk only about secrets in this blog.  But I realize what I’m writing about is trust, which is the cornerstone of every deep relationship.  The most important element in a friendship is to develop a trust that can only flourish when we each feel safe in sharing our deepest hopes, fears, and dreams.  We then receive from each other both support and discretion.

I’ll open myself to you, and hope you will respond in kind.

Alan

We all want our children to do well in their lives. I’m no exception.  When they’re little they think their parents know everything and are infallible.  That’s nice, for as long as it lasts.

Of course, by the time our children have become teenagers they realize that their parents don’t know anything, and they have become infallible.  Sic transit gloria.

Since their ability to listen to us parents has been severely compromised by the time they proudly acquire their driver’s license, I limit myself to taking my one last, and most important, shot at helping them to survive.

“Drive carefully.”

I am well known in my family for my repeated admonishment, “Drive carefully.”

I tell my scary and scared driver’s-licensed children, “If you don’t pay attention for half an hour in class, your grade may suffer.  But if you don’t pay attention for five seconds while driving, you could be dead.  Or paralyzed for life.  Or need another car, which I won’t pay for.”

I think they received my message.  Most of my children have had minor auto accidents, but I’ve had three myself. Fortunately, everyone has walked away and no one has been seriously injured.  Another saying I am known for is, “Things can be repaired or replaced, but people can’t.”

Nowadays I tell myself not only to drive carefully – the statics are that drivers over 65 have more accidents than younger drivers – but also to “walk carefully.” That means that I need to pay attention, and it also means I need to slow down a bit, to minimize the damage if I should trip and fall.

Johnny Appleseed was an American pioneer who brought apple trees to many parts of our young country.  I may have become the “Johnny Appleseed” of hosts, because whenever anyone leaves for home, whether they are related to me or not, I usually say, “Drive carefully.”

I’m delighted to report that, as far as I know, my message has reverberated through time.  I now have four grandchildren of driving age, and their parents are delivering my original message to their own children – “Drive carefully.”

I’m sure there are many other activities, such as slicing tomatoes, which should also be performed carefully, but especially with my children and grandchildren I’d rather stick to a single message, undiluted by embellishments.

All together now: Drive Carefully.

Thanks.

Alan